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Aug. 30th, 2011



(and the cold forces me to remember that which I left unattended)

I remember
that the ice would break
that night.
That falling in would
or perhaps just
take it all away.

It  doesn't seem
that long ago.
Still, I catch myself,
Wishing it had broke.

If only , oh if only , to know what you would have done, eh?

Apr. 15th, 2011



Desperation... there's anger in frustration...

writing a book, seems more and more useless... when I cant write when it's infront of me, but desrie to write when I'm working. poo.

Apr. 12th, 2011


Nothing but your lies is my truth

lie to me and tell me everything will be okay....

so i can believe just for a little while .... just a little while that you are here with me

and not thinking about her....


Oct. 8th, 2010


oh no....it starts again....

click and read only if you dare and desire to hear my whineCollapse )

May. 3rd, 2010



My Uncle Ken died last night.

He was a good soul, a great man, loving husband and a wonderful father.

He died because his cancer mahtastisized when they went in to reduce some of the fluid that was collecting around his liver, and the scales that the chemo had caused.

Rest well uncle. Enjoy your place that you've earned in your heaven with god and your loved ones when they one day join you.

Apr. 6th, 2010


(no subject)

I shouldn't have this overwhelming feeling of lonelynes, nor of anxiety. but i do. and I hate it.  I feel so small. like the nothing that I am, should be, shall be.   I can't begin to understand why i feel like this, and that's what frightens me. Normally, everything can be traced, but the way i've felt lately is untraceable and erratic. it's not cool. I wonder if I've fallen prey to my genetics finally on  that aspect? minor boughts of depression heading my way continually? that doesn't sound like fun. but it's better than the straws I clutch and grasp for to explain things anymore.... being too tired to do anything, just wanting to lay around- but you work so much and so hard. Yeah right. more often then not three nights a week. and homework doesn;t even fit in there. I hardly ever have the motivation to do it. I think i;m failing math, and I've prolly got a D in italian despite my best efforts to float instead of sink. I haven't studied since I came to college. what happened to my drive, my perfection of A's and nothing else would do. i'm happy to get a C in classes. used to be that only A's would suffice, and B's would make me cry.....they still do silly girl. you hate these bad grades as much as i do, theres just no reason to try anymore. what will you get from this? your father doesnt give a shit anymore, you have no reason to earn your grades anymore, besides for yourself, and we dont really care that much for ourselves do we?? if it were for someone else, then we'd try harder wouldnt we? we'd want to prove our betterness, our supereriorness....but you just dont anymore. it doesnt matter anymore, does it?

This smile of mine feels more forced with everyday that i walk around. I feel like doing nothiing more than curling up or laying down in a nice small space and just relaxing. maybe read a book. a nice small enclosed place. or sleep until i just cant anymore. I'm so tired anymore. I'm drinking more and more caffeine shit and sugar to stay where I'm at energy wise. it's all exhausted.. like i'm on fumes. and I don't understand why.... this doesnt even include the stomach problems I've hbeen having flare up the past month, or my leg being a stabbing grapefruit with a slicing knife wound., or the continual head ache that I drown with music as often as I can. . my body is out of whack, my mind is out of area and and my spirit seems to be MIA.  I can play along, but it's apparant to me something is missing, and I'm sure it's starting to be seen by other ppl.

it would have happened even if you weren't there little one. well, it might have happened. there's
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Mar. 24th, 2010


(no subject)

I'm only 21 and i have too many things that I regret already. and those things are heavy on my heart tonight.

Feb. 17th, 2010


40 days and nights

Alright. I don't know how many times I've tried to post today, but I keep getting distracted....obviously. BUt yes. Lent. such requires a lost for remembrances.
  • Sodas
  • Cursing outloud, and try internal as well
  • procrastinating ( for which the boy says not, since i'm not writing my dettato for monday.... but i dont have my dictionary, which means apparantly I'm allowed to wait for some reason.... *shrugs*)
  • sweets (outside of work. easy)
And then for some musts.
  • Practice my baby. 
  • Study more italian.
  • do math homework. All of it. (hahahaha. right.)
  • More caring.

And so. thus is my list thusly. it might groww, and it will most likely shorten.... seeing as how I believe all of my resolutions for the new year didnt make it even a month, *cackles* oh dear... now I must  go check....well, fanfic hasn't been distracting me from accomplishing my homework. no music lessons. took back my life almost entirely.  I've found someone happy with me as i am, broken as I am. though that I am fixing as well, and not alone or dependant upon solely one oerson. Not working so much- hahaha, i near killed myself this weekend. thats not working so far, hmm.

things are very.... new to me. there are adjustments that I really have to get used to. But he's being understanding about my akward, my shy, my hesitancy, my broken. he's napping on my shoulder at the moment, the goober. and he broke the squeker in the duckie i gave him. But things are very....nice. And from the couple that have met him thus far, they like him , and think he's great....which makes me smile, because it's happy. Mommy likes him, since he helped move, and hasnt tried to take me away from her. (which apparantly happened when I was sick....??) and also says that he doesnt look like a little boy, *sighs*.

but alas... i'm off. more at a  later time.


Feb. 5th, 2010


(no subject)

Lie to me....and tell me everything will be alrightCollapse )

(I don't really know if this was really worth it, not at all. But I'll make it worth it. things are lovely and I should be completely happy.... So why aren't I? Why is it when I'm alone everything swirls and twirls and laughs at me, dancing in figures in my head.  *i'm beautiful incredible everything hes ever wanted.* Three seperate people have told me this.... I ve just thought they were trying to pull me out of my wonky nature... but why try to make me believe it? I feel shame and anger, and sadness and pain. I feel pity. Too many things going at once.... tip the scales and watch my fate..... I'm falling falling falling..... and I see the jagged rocks below....I've fallen off these same rocks many times before...and it's always hurt.... i really wish I could turn back time.... and erase the path that was built..... goodnight boys and girls....nightmares wait wistfully to terrify you in to silence...mwahahaha

Jan. 28th, 2010


Catch me if you can...

I'm starting to feel less unhappy.  It's good. I think anyway.

I've decided I'm going to be happy. And it's so simple and easy right now. There are at least two persons, no three, (you too jules) that call me beautiful, I get called it everyday now.... and it makes my heart lighter.

I'm tired of pain and sadness, dreary rainy cloudy days. I've got a ray of sunshine shining on me lately.

So no more no more no more will i stand for the sadness and pain. If you want me, you'll have to catch me- because my wings are coming back and i'm feeling like I'm begining to fly free again.... or catch me on four feet, chasing me through the forest green, chasing and glimsping until you catch my tail.

Catch me catch me, if you can, because I'm wild and free to be again...

Thank you....

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